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5 Things to Watch in 2012

We could have offered this advice before 2012 began, but no one listens to portents of doom when they’re basking in empty holiday wishes and looking forward to undeserved presents. Here’s your guide to what’s coming up, what to avoid and what to expect in 2012: Now with 25% more Tebow.

1. Kim Kardashian Marries Again
Kim, or more likely someone who works for her, will realize her Q rating reached a crescendo during her wedding and marriage to what’s-his-name. The only way to get back to the top of the parabola and keep cashing $55,000 party appearance checks is to get married again. We at the PDC humbly suggest our very own Bud. Sure, he’s happily married. But even his wife would get a kick out of watching Bud and Kim shop together.

2. The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes Strikes Out
Andrew Luck is the latest college quarterback with huge hype as an NFL prospect. He’s loved by every analyst, and everyone at ESPN agrees he’s a sure fire success in the NFL. Just like the previous sure fire #1 picks of Jamarcus Russell, Vince Young, Alex Smith, Tim Couch and many, many more. Whoever gets Luck will have earned him with their putrid play this season. Barring any trade for a huge number of draft picks (we’re looking your way, Dan Snyder), it looks like that’s the Colts. Whoever gets him will be celebrating on draft day, but they may be watching Tim Tebow next year and wishing they had him, instead.

3. The Muppets Spiral Back into Obscurity
The new Muppet movie chronicled the Muppets’ resurgence after they had been forgotten by history as entertainment became too crass for their brand of humor. Unfortunately, everything about that premise is dead on, and the movie doesn’t have the legs to bring about a Muppet Rennasaince. Statler and Waldorf were funny at being mean before everyone was doing it. And even though they’re still the best, it won’t be enough.

3A. Puppets as Entertainment Spiral Back into Obscurity
For some reason, when Jim Henson works with puppets it’s grandfatherly and endearing.

But when Jason Segal does it, it’s just creepy. The look in his eyes hints he’s doing things to those muppets behind the scenes that we hope never come to light.

4. Football Playoffs and the BCS Title Game May Or May Not Be Awesome
Let’s see if we understand how the NFL playoffs work. There are 32 teams in the league and 12 make the playoffs. That’s four teams short of half, which is getting close to the amount involved in the playoff systems for the NHL and NBA. Those leagues have meaningless regular seasons. Let’s see how important the regular season was for the NFL this year.

The Bengals made the playoffs with a record of 9-7, and even the people in Cincinnatti can see that team stinks on ice. The other 9-7 team in the playoffs, the Giants, won their division by being one game above .500 and losing TWICE to the Washington Redskins, which went a barnstorming 5-11 with Rex Grossman and John Beck at quarterback.

Seven teams in the league went 8-8, which is mediocrity by definition. (Our stats and higher math staff is on vacation, so feel free to check for us what winning percentage a team has with eight wins and eight losses). Of those seven teams (the Broncos, Jets, Chargers, Eagles, Cowboys, Cardinals and Bears), one made the playoffs, and they needed help from God AND Tim Tebow. The NFL system determined that the Broncos, with a quarterback every ESPN analyst thinks is incapable of playing football, should be in the playoffs while the other six teams aren’t good enough.

Meanwhile, the BCS is an agreement between six otherwise unrelated college football conferences to match up the top two teams for a title game. And some say that system is bad?

5. Ryan Seacrest Hosts the Today Show, Gets One Step Closer to Becoming Dick Clark 2.0
Rumors from Hollywoodland persist about Ryan Seacrest hosting the Today Show. We haven’t actually watched the Today show in more than a decade, but it SEEMS like one of those talking head jobs that should be coveted and somehow more… weighty than a guy like the Haircut could handle.

That’s before we realized his grand plan. The Today Show is just one brick in his wall of screen time dominance. 90 years from now, our great-grand-kids will gather to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve and marvel at how well Seacrest is holding up after his ninth scalp transplant and what a trooper he is for co-hosting with Dick Clark one more time. If Tebow’s hand is guided by God, we have a good guess who’s helping Seacrest with his hair and teeth.

Good luck out there, everybody. Enjoy this ‘12 like it’s your last!


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