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5 Things to Watch in 2011

We don’t do heartfelt looks back at the previous year – those are for suckers. Here’s what’s on the horizon that you need to know about. Some have the potential for good in them, like Darth Vader. Some are evil to the core, like Facebook. Beware either way.

Strike/Lockout/Hissy Fit
If there’s one piece of advice I can offer any wildly successful business with more money than I could imagine, it’s this: Never underestimate the power of the people to grow tired of your crap. There’s an Angry Birds board game on the way. If these football jackholes aren’t careful, we might start filling stadiums to watch professional Angry Birds games played by cheerleaders in lingerie. Just a thought.

Actually, let’s do that. I’ll volunteer my valuable time to serve as commissioner. It’s about time I started giving back.

Grateful Dead Video Game
I not even a big fan, but this could be huge. Combining Dead fans with video games might mean more to the dope industry than if Snoop Dogg got endorsed by Under Armour. Here’s the story from Rolling Stone.

And the money quote:

We want a Deadhead Uncle to be able to buy a Grateful Dead Games gift card at Target to give to his nephew who will redeem the credits and special privileges in the game.

I’m sure we can all agree an introduction to the culture of the Grateful Dead – from everyone’s deadbeat uncle – is just what we need.

Facebook Security Chief to Work for TSA
There’s a disturbing trend in privacy and it has nothing to do with civil rights. It has to do with people in power making decisions that no sane person would make. Just like I can’t believe anyone at the airport wants to see inside my pants, I can’t for the life of me figure out why Facebook wants to post random pics of me at the top of my profile. For all their success these people seem to miss some fundamental laws of the Internet and human nature:

1) People use the Internet to see attractive people, preferably naked. ATTRACTIVE. Not RANDOM.

2) The reason nude beaches sound awesome in theory but are not awesome in practice is because nude beaches are not filled with underwear models. I checked. Nude beaches are filled with random people who like being naked. Let’s repeat: Random does not equal Attractive. Now, go back and replace “nude beaches” with airports, consider that people at nude beaches at least expect to be seen naked (so theoretically they have prepared in some way), unlike people at airports, and you have some sense of what you’re in for.

I’d rather fly in fear than see any of those people naked.

Nah, not really. 3D Television might be the most overrated, over-hyped home luxury technology since the water bed. Don’t remember water beds? Then you’re a lot younger than me, so get bent. Go watch Barney and the Teletubbies on DVD and relive all those horrid memories of your youth. Some of us remember a time when TV meant something.

The 2011 BMW Z4 SDrive35is
Here she is:

Ever wonder why companies promote things to people who will never, ever be able to afford them? It’s so that you can look back on your life choices and feel miserable about each mistake. Most people will never buy a BMW Z4 SDrive35is.* BMW knows this. But so do all the people who DO buy the BMW Z4 SDrive35is, and they love the fact that the rest of us recognize it when they drive by on their way to their back waxing appointment.

*Does it really need that many letters and numbers? Is the Z4 SDrive35 – without the ‘is’ – just a grocery hauler that I could outrun in my Honda? I doubt it. I suspect it’s one more way for the rich to level themselves above the other, slightly less rich. “Why, look at Chad. He got stuck with a Z4 SDrive35!”

So the BMW Z4 SDrive35is is an awesome part of 2011 only if you’re a rich bastard who will buy one. The rest of us can head to Starbucks and spend $7 on crappy coffee in a futile attempt to feel like we’re on top of the world. “I’ll take TWO shots of sugar-free vanilla, Senor Barista. Extra charge be damned, I’m just that much of a tycoon!”

Good luck out there this year. PDCs, we need them now more than ever.


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