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Top Five Things in Call of Duty: Black Ops You Wish You Could Do In Real Life

We’re not going for the easy ones, either, like taking out your boss with an exploding crossbow bolt. Playing any game online is a minefield of interactions with people we’d rather avoid – kinda like life. And, like life, certain tools are provided. They’re just not the same tools. But the following would be SO handy:

5. Mute
Ever want someone to simply stop talking? Just hit the button. Some of them sing, some of them heckle, some tell you how drunk/stoned/sexy they are. Just hit the button. This can be more satisfying than making them go away because they’re still right there but powerless to annoy you.

4. Leave Lobby
After someone finally stops talking, have they left a film of misery in the room? Sometimes you can still feel their presence, like a disturbance in the force, and nothing will cleanse it. It’s often, however, not just one person. It could be a group conversation – a group just small enough that walking away would make you look like the jerk. Could be a party you had attend because your SPOUSE knows just enough people there that not going would be, god forbid, rude. In Call of Duty, “Leave Lobby” is just a button click away. There’s always a new lobby waiting, somewhere.

3. Release the Hounds
Ok, this one’s sort of related to taking people out. But when Mr. Burns first uttered the words, “Smithers, release the hounds,” he wasn’t thinking about hurting anyone. He just wanted them off his lawn. Their well being never entered his mind. In Call of Duty: Black Ops it might take a bit of luck to get to this point, but it’s so worth it. Those snarling little pups run around with just enough sneakiness and just enough snarliness to be both terrifying and effective. Someday, I will have my own hounds.

2. Face Paint
Not every day, of course. But once in a while it would be nice to go all Braveheart and show up to the morning meeting at work with battle paint on your face. That’s what I call thinking outside the box.

1. Replays
Relive your few, glorious moments whenever the mood strikes. Maybe you peaked in high school and want to watch prom over and over again, post it to Facebook and tweet it to the world. (Typing that just made me sad for you.) Maybe you once won a pizza eating contest against your local eating rival by eating 1.3 extra large pepperoni pizzas. (Typing that just made me sad for me.)

This isn’t the same as a ‘do-over.’ Even in our wildest fantasies we don’t get do-overs in life. But it would be nice to replay the moments, the few moments, where we did everything just right.

If online video games have taught us anything, and they haven’t, it’s that whoever makes these games know a lot more about what people want than we care to admit.

Don’t know who that guy is, but he sure looks heroic…

Ok, how about competent?


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